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LOL, don't mind at all, I had to do this on my laptop with no spellcheck at all. I'm hopeless:P

Ta and hugs

Kim x

Dearest Mellie,

Our author has been slaving away writing the score for the Gollum of the Opera. She has been delving into the most horrific places of pop music to amuse and abuse her dear readers and she hope to have the completed gollum posted by November the 1st. Unfortunatly at the moment she has no way of putting the conclusion on to the internet at the present time.

Yours faithfully

O.G.

In the theatre, the audience was starting to get restless. The gala had kept promising to start. The orchestra would start fiddling with their instruments, the curtains would twitch and then nothing. Absolutely nothing. Everyone had heard about La Legolassas departure. How could they not? She was sitting in one of the boxes dressed rather like a large pink poodle and was shouting loudly about how the phantom had tried to flatten her with a piece of scenery. Most of those sitting in the Opera House wished he had succeeded. Suddenly the curtain rose and the two new managers of the opera, Firman and Andre strode on to the stage. Firman coughed and began to read from a prepared speech.

Ladies and Gentlemen, due to the dramatic flouncing out of La Legolassa, our leading lady tonight will be Miss Christine Daae, daughter of the famous Swedish violinist.

If we can bring her round, muttered Andre under his breath, Firman stood on his toe.

Miss Daae is a recently discovered talent, having previously been one of our chorus hobbits. We hope that you will give her a warm reception. Thank You.

There was a smattering of applause from the audience, and a few tomatoes from Legolassas box. Gaffa Gamgee waddled up to the managers as they left the stage. Shes awake, but only just, are you sure you still want her to sing? She can barely remember her name never mind the words.

So long as she sings in Italian I dont care what she says! hissed Firman, put her on the stage!

***

'YOU LITTLE DEMON!' cried the phantom, clutching his arm, Youve ruined my plans, it will take at least six weeks for my arm to heal and by then some other man may have won Christines heart. Gollum backed off quickly and started screaming.

OH BE QUI.., the phantom paused briefly, perhaps you can be of some use to me, you have three hours in which to learn

Gollum, slightly curious stopped screaming. Learn what preciousss? We isnt going to have to go to school are we?

No, you just have to learn a route so you are able to bring Christine down here to me so I can give her this. The phantom pulled a gold ring out of his pocket.

Gollums eyes lit up upon seeing the gold ring.. Preciousss just has to bring the lady here and phantom will give her a nice shiny ring?

Yes, thats all you have to do.

Id do anything, for you mr phantom anything.

Anything?

Anything for the preciousss.

Good, then listen up, you have much to learn. After I have put my arm in a sling we will start with lesson one, singing.

***

It was the moment of truth as far as Firman and Andre were concerned, Christines grand Aria. They gazed down at the audience. The front row was packed out by odd English women, they had been to all the rehearsals according to Andres digging, not just the one that morning, they had been so worried that these women that they had hired a detective to investigate them. Very few scraps of information had come back to the managers.

The one in purple, Miss Marie Holmes, was munching on a fluffy looking food out of a striped cardboard carton. Apparently she was related to the famous Sherlock Holmes, but the only interest she had in crime solving was whether the perpetrator was attractive or not.

The one in red was apparently Lady Susanne Marple. She was currently watching the opera intently. Lady Marple was rumored to own an estate in Buckinghamshire where she held CSI weekends and her name often cropped up in relation to a certain Donnie Darko.

The one in a dark blue was Lady Mellie McClue. She was from America. Andre was concerned about her, she seemed to be taking notes and occasionally a flash of light would come from her direction. Apparently she was very logical and was a scholar of some description.

The woman in sky blue was a Miss Rivka Columbo, she obviously had no interest in the opera and was still apparently giggling about the disastrous opening act which saw Christine Daae singing about tiptoeing through the tangerines. Miss Columbo was an author though the managers had been unable to obtain any of her manuscripts.

The one in green was looking agitated. Lady Kim Wainthrope, apparently a fencing champion and weapons expert. Her father named a diamond mine after her in Africa. She is very wealthy but her family had sent her to France to learn some manners and become cultured. The reason was obvious, She was no lady. She had snored through the first act, picked at her nails through the second, lord only knew what she would do through the third.

The one in salmon with the corgis was flicking dog biscuits at the less well rehearsed chorus hobbits, Pippin was looking more like he was doing the conga than ballet. What the managers couldnt understand was how the other five women came to be involved with this aged relative of the Queen. Her name was Lizzie Windsor, but they couldnt find it on the British royal family tree. The other women all called her Queen, or Queenie. The Lady Windsor did not like this at all. She was now blowing bubbles from a pipe.

Daae tottered on stage again looking punch drunk. All the faces in the front row were now paying attention, so was Andr. The music gently started.

Think of me, think of me fondly when weve said goodbye. She sang perfectly. Firman and Andr breathed again.

***

Well, said the phantom, are you ready?

Yes precious, we thinks we are ready now.

No, youve forgotten something vitally important. Christine has seen me, she knows that I wear a maskhere try this one. The Phantom plucked a mask from a nearby bust and offered it to Gollum.

We must wear a mask! But doesnt preciousss think we are handsome? said Gollum huffily.

Handsome is not quite the word I would choose, please just wear it, I have to give Christine this engagement ring tonight!

Gollums eyes gleamed, preciousss will wears it. He allowed the phantom to put the mask on him.

DashingI think, said the phantom faintly. He collected himself, youll need this to. He plonked a wig on Gollums head. Gollum patted his head, he really did love wigs, of any description, he already felt like a new man

He ambled round the cave and picked up a sword. He pointed it at the phantom, give us the preciousss! he cried.

The phantom shook his head, I think you would have more success being threatening if you waved the pointy end of the sword at people instead of the hilt.

Gollum hissed in indignation and twisted the sword round, We knowsss, evil piratesss told us that.

Did they indeed, said the phantom unperturbed, go and get Christine, the opera will be over by the time you reach her dressing room. Tell her you are the angel of music, sing to her if you must, but lure her down here.

Like a trap preciousss.

Sort of, now go! Shes already in the third act!

We will go preciousss, butssss

***

Christine had done well, the aria was a vast improvement on her tiptoeing through the tulips error of the first act. The audience erupted and even the Queen seemed impressed. The women in the front row left the second the opera had finished and headed for the pub.

Christine was hurried off to her dressing room by gaffa Gamgee. Some one will want to see you later, he said ominously as he left. Christine sat down in front of the large mirror. A lot of La Legolassas belongings were still around including a photograph of a short hairy man, signed to leggy love gimmers. The girl shuddered to think. She was lost in thought when the door opened. The viscount de changy walked in. Tall and handsome and very rich, Christine immediately paid attention.

Raul!

Christine! I wondered where you had gotten. After your father died my family lost all knowledge of your whereabouts.

I dont know how, I sent them a letter telling them I was moving to the Opera Populare.

Must have been misplaced.

Perhaps they thought I was a bad influence.

I doubt that, Im sure its quite normal for girls of ten to drink whiskey. Anyway, I was delightfully surprised to see you tonight, you were brilliant, so get your coat youve pulled.

Excuse me Raul!

Come on, Im taking you out for dinner. My treat.

I cant, Im sorry.

Why not? I havent seen you for years!

Er..well there is this guy

Youre engaged!?

NO! My singing tutor.

Im sure after your fantastic performance you can leave it for tonight. Meet in the alley in ten minutes.

RAUL! she yelled but hed already left the room.

Christine was about to chase after him when she heard a tapping. It was emanating from the mirror. Confused, she moved towards it and peered into the mirror. And then promptly screamed. A figure of 3 foot 6inches wearing a blond wig and a large mask was rapping on the glass. It was also clutching a sword by the blade.

Dont scream preciousss, said the figure, we is your angle of music.

Angle?

Yes preciousss we are here to take you on a journey.

You are shorter than I rmember.

We is taking you now, hold preciousssses hand.

Gingerly Christine took the figures had and he pulled her forward, down a long corridor. The corridor came out into an underground cavern where a black horse stood. Gollum gestured for her to mount the horse, but just as she got her foot in the stirrup it bolted leaving the girl upside down on the floor. Gollum sighed, he hated working with animals, but at least it wasnt a hobbit.

This way, preciousss will have to walk.

The odd couple trudged for an hour before reaching a gondola. Gollum unceremoniously pushed Christine into the boat, causing it to capsize. The creature shrugged and hopped into the water. This way, preciousss will have to swim.

They swum for a half hour before they reached the phantoms lair. Christine hauled herself onto the stone jetty. Gollum virtually bounced out. He coughed and them started singing in a crackly and rather absurd sounding voice.

Night time is when bunnies go out playing
We will stir and go out to start hunting
Silently the creatures
Come in to our reaches
Slowly gently night unfurls its splendor
Grasp them, smell them the bunnies are tender.

Thats not what I wrote! yelled a voice from behind a curtain.

Shut up preciousss you will miss our favorite bit. We didnt like the bit about sweet intoxication.

What did you change it to? said the voice with resignation.

Hunting trapping, catch the little bunnies,
Bite them, Eat them, savor every mouthful,
Let the feast begin, let your smeagol side give in
To the power of the pain which we cause
The pleasure of just eating bunnies raw.

Christine looked about to be sick, Is this some metaphor for sex and how much you love me?

Gollum glowered and shook his head so hard his wig flew off into the lake. Dont be silly preciousss, its about eating rabbits raw. And its a song preciousss, not a metaphor, whatsss a metaphor?

No matter, can I leave now?

No the angle wants to give you a preciousss. Its the only reassson we has brung you here.

EXCUSE ME!

The voice from behind the curtain sighed. This was not how he had planned the romantic evening at all.

***

If one is correct, said the Queen to her companions, The phantom of the Opera should have taken Christine to his lair tonight. I hope to talk with her when she returns. One is still most curious about his history and I hope that we will be able to talk to the ghost at some point to find out more. The books one has read about him paint him as a most mysterious man and this is one mystery one would like to solve.

You want to know his history! Thats the reason you made me build another time machine! Not because you want to stop a world war, stop a murder, you just want to know his history! exclaimed Kim jumping to her feet. Hes a nut job, singing and chasing after young girls, and dropping scenery onto people.

But he his handsome, said Marie quietly, Kim rolled her eyes.

Ok, so hes a handsome psychopath but

And you wouldnt kick him out of bed, said Rivka with a smirk.

Ok, so hes a sexy psycho who I wouldnt throw out of bed but he she sighed, I just think it all seems a bit conceited to stop me from building a time machine to aid my dissertation but you can have one because you want to drool over a masked man.

The Queen turned pink. Well, one has never been so

Its all right your majesty, said Mellie, Kim was never going to use the time machine to help her research, she was always planning to run off and become a pirate.

Kim appeared gobsmacked. Her mouth opened and shut a few times. So, she said finally, soGAH! And then she stormed off.

***

From behind the curtain out stepped the phantom of the opera. Christine gaped, now this was more like it. Tall, dark, the half of his face she could see was handsome and the mask added a mysterious air to him, how could she have thought her eccentric teacher was that odd creature, short, bald, masked and wellugly.

Christine, I am your he was interrupted by Gollum pretending to retch.

Do you mind? said the phantom imperiously. Gollum merely stared.

Christine, began the phantom again, I am your f..really I must insist you stop making that ridiculous noise now.

Gollum ignored him.

Christine, I am your friend, the angel of music your teacher. I want you to help me make the music of the night.

Christine blushed and Gollum gagged again. When heit came for me, I thought he was you!

Well hes more hobgoblin of music than angel, isnt he. Christine, will you marry me? the phantom held out a ring. Gollum leapt for it but was a nanosecond too slow; Christine grabbed hold of the gold band first. Yowling with anger Gollum snatched the phantoms magical lasso, whipped it around and tied up the phantom in one smooth action.

You use my own weapon against me?

Gollum grinned toothily, Alls fair in love and precioussses; preciousss. He then turned to where Christine had been watching all this in abject horror. But she had fled and had taken the ring with her.

Curse the little hobbites.

You will never get the ring. said the phantom wearily

Will, replied Gollum, we is going to following Christine.
***

Christine had been gone so short a time no one had missed her. She was very nervous though, and her good friend Samwise was concerned about her. There also seemed to be a rather pungent smell following her about. Shortly after she returned one of the odd women who had been attending the opera recently came to visit her. The one with the deerstalker demanded entrance to the singers room and spent a whole hour talking to her. When the elderly woman re-emerged she looked rather perturbed and she dashed off to The Spyglass with her Corgis in tow.

***

The phantom slumped reluctantly against the wall, this really wasnt how he had planned his evening, by now he really should be in the process of whisking Christine down the aisle. Instead he was tied to up with his own lasso. The creature had managed to master the lasso after 10 minutes of lessons, it had taken the phantom 3 years to perfect the technique.

***

I fear something is amiss and one feels we must infiltrate the opera to find out what it is. Perhaps you gals could join the ballet. Said the Queen, a mere ten minutes after her interview with Christine.

Id rather sing. Replied Kim.

But you cant sing, last time you tried flowers wilted. Rivka muttered under breath.

It never stopped la legolassa, said Susanne with a smirk. Kim pulled a face. Look, its not going to happened, no one in their right mind would hire us lot, and anyway, you havent told us why.

The Queen gave Kim a stern look, I dont need a reason why, Im telling you, we are going to infiltrate the opera, are you with us, or against us.

Kim looked sour, with obviously, against would be treason, and I quite like the fact my head is attached to my neck. But there is no way in hell Im wearing a fffing tutu.

It was at this point Marie would recall later she had noticed a rather odd look flicker over Mellies face only seconds before the queens right hand woman spoke.

Perhaps, we dont have to wear tutus, said Mellie McClue, I think I have

Let me guess, interrupted Susanne, you have a cunning plan.

Mellie girnned and Marie shuddered.

***

Firman arrived at the opera house early the morning after the gala. He had no idea that Christine had been taken away by Gollum, that the phantom was tied up or that a bunch of mad English women were about to desend on him. He met Andr in the foyer, and Andr was looking very worried. What is the matter? asked Firman.

I had a rather distressing note from the phantom last noght. He says he has Christine Daa with him and we shall never see her again. But it cant be betrue, I saw her npt ten minutes ago and she was being followed by Gaffa Gamgee. He would havbe told us if she was missing.

The phantom is a lunatic, he hasnt got a clue. If we igbnore him maybe he will go away, we have more pressing matters anyway.

What might they be then?

The Opera house two blocksdown has decided to The Barber of Seville too. We cannot do the same opera. We need to find a new show!

Andre wrinked his eyebrows. How odd, the second letter I had this morning contained a very odd proposistion. A new opera writer sent us his script and score. Its a very interesting concept actually. Perhaps we should have and interview with him?

No harm to see what he is about, replied firman. And what is his opera about, is it tragic, is it a comedy, a romance?

A little bit of everything I think, here you go, read it!

Firman took the script and was about to head down tpo the office when LaLegolassa and their Patron, Raul, burst into the room.

Where is Christine? cried Raul, I had a note saying she was taken away.

Shes here, practicing ballet,said Andre, dont panic I saw her this morning. A prankster sent you that note no doubt.

I ave come to collect my belongings, announced Legolassa.

But diva, Firman said placatingly, and flicking desperately through the opera in his hand, we have the perfect new role for you.

Legolassas eyes narrowed. You ave?

Yes, we do. It requires a blonde vision, such as yourself, with a perfect operatic voice, you ar ethe only one who could play this part.

What ees the part? said the diva flicking her blonde locks.

An angel

***

It was only 12.00 pm but already the OGFB was propping up the bar in The Spyglass. They were all huddled around the Queen, who was, it must be admitted, rather nervously opening a letter from Firman and Andre.

Dear Mr P. Windsor,

We were delighted to receive your opera and we have decided to put it on stage. We would like to speak with you in person tomorrow at 2 oclock if it suits. We would also like you to aide us in the audidtions as obviously you have the best understanding of your opera. The only condidtion we attach is that our leading soprano plays The Angel.

Yours Etc

Susanne groaned, I cant believe they accepted it.

The Queen pointedly ignored Susannes comment and turned to congratulated Mellie. Well done McClue, if you hadnt remembered Philip once wrote operas in the garden house at Windsor we may never have infiltrated the opera house. One just doesnt know how you got it back here so wuickly.

Kim took me in the time machine Maam.

She did? Willingly?

Kinda

she bribed me with chocolate, said Kim stonily.

There is a floor with this plac though, said Rivka suddenly, Prince Philip isnt here to mmet the managers.

Good point, said the Queen approvingly, but I had already considered that, McClue bring my bag.

Mellie handed the queen her carpet bag, and the royal one proceeded to rummage about in the bag. After a few minutes (plus a bottle of vitiams, two tins of dog ffod, a plastic bone, three bingo pens a diary, an umbrella and a hatstand) the Queen found whatr she was looking fora fake ginger beard. She hooked it over ears and tugged it slightly.

McClueis ones beard straight? One must make a good impression on the managers


***

Firman and Andre stepped reluctantly on to the stage. They really werent sure about this, but the director had been particulary forceful in who was to be cast and how this show should look. He had looked rather familiar, but the beard had really confused them. And it was also rather odd that the director, Mr Windsor, had a rather large contingent of corgis. His entourage consisted of the women who had plagued Firman and Andre since they had arrived here. The Viscount had insisted that the show was to be put ob.

Ladies and Gentlemen, said Andre, We are proud to present, Valhalla Calling an original opera by P. Windsor.

There was a reverential silence as the lights dimmed everywhere but the stage. The thick red velvet curtains pulled back and revealed a church set with four confused members of the hobbit dancing troop dressed as monks. The music started and the hobbits started leaping about the stage in an agitated manner and then the singing began.

Help, we need somebody,
Help not just anybody,
Help! You know we need someone,
HELP!

When we were pious so much more pious than today,
We believed in God and worshipped everyday,
But now our habits slipped, we have really mucked things up,
And in revenge hes sent vikings to really screw things up

Help us if you can theyre on the beach
An we are almost within their reach,
Help us if you can we do beseech
Wont you please please help me!!


Off stage left, Lady Kim Wainthrope was desperately trying to dig her heels into the stage boards as Lady Mellie McClue tried to push her on to the stage. I dont want to be involved anymore, plagiarising the Beatles even before they write the damned song hissed Kim, and its inaccurate Vikings didnt have

We know, growled Mellie.

Why did I agree to be involved?

Because the Queen promised you weaponry.

Will you two be quiet, screeched La Legolassa, Some of us are waiting for our cue. Kim pulled a face and continued her ranting.

Why couldnt I be director?

Because,said Mellie, I asked the queen frst.

Then why not costumer?

Because you cant stitch, and Susanne can.

Currently on the stage the other half of the hobbits, dressed as Vikings, were pretending to kill the monks to the immortal words of the beastie boys.

You gotta fight, for your right, to PARRRRRRR-TY!

Suddenly the music changed as all the hobbit monks died. There was a clanking as the ropes became taught and Legolassa flew onto the stage a la Peter Pan, dressed as an Angel. She sang something about offering the monks a lot of love and affection, and even protection. The dead monks countered this by singing Going up to the sprit in the sky and flew up in to the gantry.

***

Act two began with the death of one of the Viking hobbits and it was at this point Kim was forced to make her stage debute, accompanied by Marie and Rivka.

The Queen looked mildly embarrassed to linked tp this. They were not even half way thought the song and half the audience had left. The other half were waiting for Daae to appear and see if she could resuce the opera from sinking entirely.

Meanwhile, Kim had hit her stride, and Marie and Rivka were gamly singing the chorus

He was a Viking boy
I said I will fight you boy
You shoundt have cheated on me
I have a bone to pick
Cos no body calls me chick
You wont live to tell your tale

Five years from now, Im in a war,
Picking up warriors for Thor,
Charging about, guess who I see
Viking Boy tearing up Grim-sby

Another third of the audience left and the Queen, complete with beard and corgis wandered over to Susanne and Mellie. Christine was hanging around them cautiously. It was she who broke the silence. Are these songs really appropriate. She asked, confused. The phantom had always told her opera should be passionate or even about the pain of a lost love, Vikings having their heads cut off were hardly passionate or anywhere near the topic of love.

Apparently, Prince Philip says they are all about pain and misery. though
I think Kims singing is causing more pain and misery than the lyrics

The Queen muscled passed Christine, Should the audience have their hands over their ears? she enquired of Susanne.

What?! came the reply, No idea what you just said majesty, Im wearing earplugs. She started to pull them out.

The Queen glowered through her beard and peered out on to the stage. Something was wrong with the set.

What has lady Wainthrope written on the long boat?

These costumes may not be historically accurate, Maam. said Mellie.

Neither the plot! replied Susanne defensively, as she had been head costumer. Thankfully Kim finished destroying an already appalling song and bolted off stage. Rivka and Marie stayed put; they had another Valkyrie to assist. Christine trotted on to the stage nervously and began singing a reworded version pf a Brittany Spears song, something along the lines of Stab a Viking one more time. The Queen watched apathetically for a moment, and then she stared. Suddenly she leapt into the front row of the audience and pinched a pair of opera glasses off the woman in the front row. She peered through them at Christines neck.

There hanging from a thin chain was a small gold ring. The Queen was not the only one who had seen it, surely. Throwing the opera glasses at McClue the Queen swore. She had told Christine to keep the ring secret and safe. The little ninny had done neither. Just as the Queen was about to put a halt to the proceedings there was a wail from somewhere near the chandelier. ITS MINE! MT OWN! shouted the rasping voice, GIVE IT TO US, WE WANTS IT! WE WILL HAVE IT! One woman in the audience shrieked and another fainted, and even more embarrassingly La Legolassa ran on to the stage and cried angrily, The phantom, ee is wearing my wig!

The mysterious (ha) phantom vanished from view and the queen trotted towards the stage. But before she could get there a body fell form the gantry. Christine staggered backwards. Leaving Rivka to tend to Christine, Marie picked up a Viking sword and prodded the body and watched silently as the head rolled into the orchestra pit. Again a number of the women in the audience started screaming and fainting. Marie rolled her eyes. Its a dummy! she said.

Its a disaster, flapped Andr pushing the Valkryies off stage, poor rivka left to drag Christine away from the mannequin murder.From the audience Raul dashed to be by Christines side. The queen and corgis dashed up a spiral staircase, followed by her entourage who were dressed in varying degrees of historical accuracy and led them out on to the roof.wheresomething odd happened.

***

Kim: Why have you brought us here?

Queen: We must wait here!

Marie: Its bloody cold

Queen: Sssh will you? The phantoms over there

Mellie: Queenie do you mean that?

Queen: Hush! Ones been told.

Riv: leather kilted?

Queen: and if I have to tell you lot once again

Susanne: I think Im in a nightmare

Queen: The phantom of the opera is hiding and hes over there

Marie: The phantom has his kilt believe me!

All: There is the Phantom of the opera!

Queen: My god will you not point

Rest: My god look at that kilt

Queen: Its not our ghost

Kim: this ghost is short!

Queen: He has trapped the phantom! Read this post!

All: Then who is this ghost we see; he must be caught
And in this labyrinth where night is blind
The phantom of the opera is trapped and we mind.

What on earth are we doing! said a rather stunned Susanne, why on earth are we singing? Dear god, we even attepted rhyming.

/rivka shrugged, well it I a musical.

Be quiet, hissed the queen, Chrisitne and Raul are coming!

Music started up from behind a nearby gargoyle, and marie jumped. Be quiet, the fake phantom must not know we are here!

Christine and Raul burst on to the roof.

Raul: Why have you brought me here?

Christine: We cant go back there.

Raul: We must return.

Christine: Hell kill you, His eyes will find us there,

Raul: Christine dont say that!

Christine: Those eyes that burn

Raul: Dont even think it

Christine: And if he has to kill a thousand fish

Raul: Forget this waking nightmare

Christine: The phantom of the opera eats rabbits and he eats them raw
Raul: This phantom is a fable believe me;

Raul: There is no phantom of the opera!

Christine: My god who is this thing Who hunts for fish

Raul: My god who is this thing, This mask of death

Christine: I must escape from him, evade his kiss

Raul: Whose is this breath I smell, stinks of fish

Christine: And in his evil plans, fishwife I am
Raul: And in his evil plans, fishwife you are

Christine: The PHANTOM OF THE OP.

The music stopped abruptly and Raul said in a particulary confused tone of voice said, Fishwife what do you mean?

Lol thank you. I'm not sure when the next update will be, things have been a but mad at home. But I'm hoping sometime around the new year.

Kim x

***

In the weeks that followed the disastrous opening of the Opera Valhalla CallingChristine Daae couldnt be made to enter the Opera house at all. The Viscount had whisked her away to his Parisian town house and listened to her strange tale of the Phantom of the Opera and his evil apprentice. The gold ring around her neck she said was proof of her tale, but Raul knew for a fact that Christine was receiving marriage proposals numbering in the tens every week. The ring could have actually come from any number of men.

Across town the OGFB (opera ghost fan board) had boosted the business of Jacques little pub, the spyglass and its founding members were legendary. Whilst some of them tried to avoid the spotlight, the corgis enjoyed every secret treat passed to them under the table by well meaning members of the public and the queen couldnt understand where their weight gain had come from.

Lady Kim Wainthrope had been missing from the OGFB meetings for a number of weeks and rumour had it she had run off with a librarian. The others had been combing the city for information on the phantom of the opera and his stinky sidekick. A huge crowd had arrived at precisely 11.23am after Miss Marie Holmes had ran shouting and raving into the pub clutching a reeking paper bound parcel. She dropped it on to the circular table in front of Lizzie Windsor AKA Majesty.

Susanne wrinkled her nose and Rivka prodded it with a pencil. It made a rather repulsive squelching noise. Mellie rolled her eyes as the Queen pushed it over to her. Would one unwrap it McClue. One has ones best gloves on. Mellie decided to ignore the fact the queen was wearing yellow marigolds and unwrapped the package. The smell of fresh kippers assaulted them.

Oh god, said Rivka, where on earth did you get this and why?

Marie grinned, at the fish market. I saw a man making a fish delivery to the back of the opera house this morning when I was on watch. Non of the staff claimed the box and I was beginning to get a bit bored if I was honest, when suddenly a very short figure in a cape and wearing an enormous wig popped up out of a back door, grabbed the parcel and ran off. I thought I should see who made the delivery and picked it up. I found the stall at the fish market with same name as the delivery cart, Pierre le poisson. He says the order is made out to a Queen of Gondor.

Marie let the information sink in.

Susannes face paled, Oh god, she said, Its Gollum.

***

The phantom of the Opera was currently being regaled by his ridiculous Protg with a rendition of what sounded a lot like a drinking song. This wasnt how he had planned the weeks after Christine had seen his lair. Cooped up with a short, wigged wannabe with a terrible voice.

And he certainly hadnt been planning on being chained to the wall.

He couldnt believe that the creature had used his own lasso against him, and that it was now pursuing Christine in his stead. The only thing which had stopped Gollum harassing the singer further was the fact he couldnt read. So despite the fact he knew the name of the street, he couldnt actual find it on a map. The phantom was disinclined to help him either.

And frankly he didnt mind the diet of fish he was being fed everyday it was the fact he was sitting on the cold stone floor in his leather kilt that was irritating.

***

One thinks we need to take Gollum and leave this era as soon as possible, said the Queen haughtily. Find me Kim, tell her we have to leave before we destroy history anymore.

Rivka looked a little bit uncomfortable. Er, your majesty I believe thats why she left using the first place. The queen stared at Rivka, making her feel uncomfortable.

I believe that Rivka is merely pointing out Kim suggested we leave a number of weeks ago, jumped in Mellie.

The Queen blushed, Well, yes, one remembers. But she just wanted us to leave. We have to fix the problem before we go. Do we not.

Mellie nodded. We should, not that we caused it or anything but

It is Gollum, and where ever we go, he appears. Said Marie sighing. He bumped into us in the train station, came to mutant school with me, and on my expedition to Antarctica.

He rolled up at my bar and got really drunk, said Mellie.

Cause a hell of a lot of trouble in the Caribbean, agreed Susanne.

He sent us back in time the first time, finished Rivka. We have to save the phantom and drag Gollum back to where ever he needs to go.

They sipped their drinks. But where to start? asked Rivka.

How about by buying me a drink? said a voice behind the group.

Kim! they exclaimed as one.

Where on earth have you been? Youve been gone for three whole weeks.

Kim cocked her head, Just get me a drink in and I shall explain.

This isnt going to involve cunning plans is it? questioned Marie fearfully.

Not cunning no

***

Plot, glorious plot....

____________________

Raoul could feel it, he was on the verge of a breakthrough. "Listen Christine, I am sure all the publicity will have scared this 'Phantom away and it will be perfectly safe to enter the Opera House once more. Gaffa Gamgee is most anxious to see you. Come, Ill take you for a short visit, and then we can come back here. Ill make sure nothing happens to you."

Christine peered into his eyes. "You just want to get laid, dont you? All this macho talk."

"Is it working?"

"No."

***

Jacques placed the vodka with a certain reverence in front of Lady Kim Wainthrope. The pub was empty bar the time travelers and the barman. The faces of the Parisian OGFB peered in through the small distorted glass windows. FrOdOsgurl was leaving smears across the window pane, and legolassafan was steaming up another by breathing.

"Well," said the Queen sipping her whiskey, "pray do tell what this magnificent plan is."

Kim blushed. "I wouldnt say it was magnificent."

"Just get on with it," hissed Susanne.

"Okay. As you all know, I wanted us to leave straight away; we are affecting the space-time continuum far too much being here for so long. However, your Majesty wanted us to stay and ordered me not to leave in the time machine. Which I would never do anyway but" She trailed off slightly and brushed a dark curl away from her face. "Anyway, I didnt want to hang around here after all the melodrama, and I decided it was time for some proper research to be done. If the post the Queen showed us was true and the Phantom was being held prisoner by some creature, then we had to free him. Not just for the sake of leather kilt lovers everywhere, but for history itself. If Christine was hurt by the creature, or worse, killed, she would never marry Raoul and history would be changed."

"This we know," said Rivka. "Thats what we are trying to fix."

Kim continued, ignoring her friend. "I must confess at first I planned on having a cooling down period and wait till all the fuss about Valhalla Calling died down. Maybe I was finally going to write my autobiography, Pob Heol Pet."

"One doesnt get the joke," said the Queen.

"Few people will," replied Susanne.

"I digress," mumphed Kim. "I ended up in the library at any rate, and upon realising I had a really teadious life, time traveling and pillaging with pirates, I thought I would do some research about the Opera House. The librarian was really helpful. He found it really unusual a lady would spend time in the library, but fluttering your eyelashes and looking helpless gets you everywhere here."

The others tried to imagine Kim with fluttering eyelashes and an air of helplessness. They failed.

"I found the plans to the Opera House in no time, the originals, plus alterations made during construction by the architect. I checked newspapers for odd things that may have happened around the building period and for the first accounts of the Phantom being in Paris. Construction went off with out a hitch, despite the fact there is an underground lake, caverns too. I also got the blue prints for previous buildings on the site and a survey carried out. There are a number of large caverns lying here and here." She pointed them out as she unfurled the map. "This one is under the stage area; this one is out towards the stables. And here is a smaller one with what looks like a small tunnel coming up to the surface in the region of the entrance hall."

The Queen peered at the blueprints with her glasses. "Continue."

"The first documents of strange goings on occur about 20 years ago. The strains of The Marriage of Figaro were heard here, below the stage. Gaffa Gamgee was sent to investigate, but he found nothing. The singing occurred every night for five weeks, but the culprit was never caught. At first, the singer was thought to be a teenager who had escaped a freak show. But the boy was never found, and the superstitious opera singers decided it was a phantom."

"So whats the plan, Giles? Garlic and stakes?" asked Marie.

"The only stakes Gollum is afraid of are of the cooked variety," muttered Mellie.

Kim glowered. "We lure Gollum out of the underground caverns with a ball. Lots of fancy frocks, and Christine wearing her gold ring. Meanwhile, a team of us goes in to the caverns and tries to free the Phantom, while the rest try and catch Gollum. We then leave quickly, ditch Gollum in Middle Earth, if I can rig DOOOM to go there, and then we head home."

"Such a simple plan," said the Queen almost snidely. "One can hardly think of anything that might go awry. Except, one has no idea in which cavern the Phantom is in, Gollum may not want to go to a ball, and one must have Christine Daae agree to be here."

Mellie coughed, "At least, your Highness, it's not cunning."


The Queen sighed. "Very well. I shall investigate the Caverns with Lady Wainthrope and Miss Holmes. McClue, you and Rivka and Susanne shall go to the ball."

"The Queen investigates.' Sounds like a day time melodrama to meif only Dick van Dyke was here," commented Kim under her breath.

"As a doctor or chimney sweep?" hissed Marie.

"Doctor, not much use for a fake cockney chimney sweep in Paris."

"You know hes not a real doctordont you?"

"ARE you hell bent on shattering my illusions?"



***

Apologies for doing so, but this has been Edited by The Punctuation/Grammar Nazi

I worship the grammar nazi.

*kneels*

Love Kim x